Communication

We talk about communication all the time, but are we actually talking about communication?

Because communication isn’t just talking. It’s not just saying what you have to say and then expecting the other person to understand it because you said it clearly.

Communication requires comprehension.

You can hear every word someone says and still not comprehend what they are communicating. And I think this is where a lot of our relationships become con-fuddled.

We hear the words, but we don’t actually listen to what is being communicated. Sometimes we’re listening to respond. Sometimes we’re listening to defend ourselves. Sometimes we’re listening for the part we can argue with. Sometimes we’ve already decided what the person means before they’ve even finished speaking.

So technically, there was communication. But was there comprehension?

Because those are two different things.

I can tell you how I feel, and you can hear me. But if you’re only hearing the words and not understanding the meaning behind them, we haven’t really communicated.

And this works both ways. I also have to be able to communicate what I’m actually feeling and what I’m actually trying to say. I can’t expect someone to comprehend something I haven’t communicated clearly.

But I also shouldn’t have to continuously explain something that someone has already understood simply because they don’t like what I’ve communicated.

That’s another part of communication that we don’t talk about enough.

Sometimes the person understood you perfectly. They just don’t agree with you.

And those are not the same thing.

Being misunderstood and being disagreed with are two completely different experiences.

We have to stop assuming that if someone doesn’t respond the way we want them to, they must not have understood us.

Sometimes they understood you. Sometimes they just made a different choice with the information you gave them.

And that’s where communication becomes more than words. It becomes about comprehension, responsibility, and reciprocity.

Because I am responsible for what I communicate. You are responsible for what you comprehend. And we’re both responsible for what we do with what has been communicated.

That doesn’t mean we will always understand each other perfectly. We’re human. Our experiences, perceptions, triggers, histories, and expectations all affect how we receive information.

But if we’re going to have healthy relationships, we have to be willing to slow down enough to ask:

What are you actually saying?

Not:

What did I decide you meant?

There is a difference.

And sometimes the healthiest thing we can do in communication is stop trying to win the conversation long enough to actually understand the person we’re talking to.